I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
