could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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