i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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