When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
