Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
