my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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