You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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