You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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