dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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