I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
