woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
