I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize