My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
