Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
