I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
