i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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