My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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