Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
as a side note pls kill me
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
