see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize