Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
