My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
