filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Holy sore nipples Batman
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
