Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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