Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
