I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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