At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
