I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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