If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
