I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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