You can't motorboat a personality
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
