I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
