She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Randomize