some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
