Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
