so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
