my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
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