You don't have asthma, your pregnant
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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