Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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