I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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