There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
