UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
