i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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