So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
