I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
