As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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