you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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