I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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