So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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