Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
