dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
