Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
