I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Randomize