Cold hands, warm shart.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
