haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize