"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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