I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
