so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
