I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
