We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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