Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
