The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
