he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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