I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
