I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize