I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She announced her abortion via fbk
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
